I am no expert but there are 11 Marriage Advice from 11 Years of Marriage I do hope they will help you. On January 1, 2018, I will celebrate 11 years with my husband. Wow! I am impressed with us that we survived this long, not to sound doubtful, well let be honest there were times where it seemed very doubtful we would make it.
I can remember the day vividly. We drove from Kingston to Montego Bay Jamaica to find the church of one of our friends to have his father marry us in his office. That was or wedding day until 7 months later when we had an elaborate ceremony for well wishers and family. I wouldn’t change a thing it was exactly the way we wanted it. It was our first attempt at being a team, having a goal and actioning that goal. GO WRIGHTS!
We continued that teamwork into living in 3 different countries, 3 kids and whole lot of arguments to still have the blessing of “working on our marriage”.
11 Marriage Advice from 11 Years of Marriage
1. A little Kindness Goes a Long Way
A fellow blogger put this best. Today you “get to” be nice to your partner, you don’t have to be, but you are blessed with a companion who is there for you and you get to show them how much you appreciate them being there. Send a loving text, cook their favorite meal or give them a little foot rub
2. Being Defensive is like walking in a circle
This gets you nowhere fast. For as long as we know each other we know which buttons to press; as such there are times when you will become defensive and lash out and say things that really get under your partners skin. When that happens its usually because you feel unsupported or unloved, step away and come back when you have regrouped your emotions. Waling away sometimes is not copping to defeat but having the gumption to know its not about who wins but ensure that your marriages healthy
3. Know When to Ask For What You Want
Sometimes you need to “man/woman” up and ask for help with simple thing like mediating a discussion. This goes hand in hand with involving people who can be trusted. This is major in my marriage as my husband will do NOTHING if I don’t ask.
4. Arguments are Healthy
I have a name for couples that don’t argue, “DIVORCED“! There will be disagreements but its all about how these disagreements are dealt with. Low blows, name calling and abusive language is an absolutely a no no. Get into the habit of allowing the person to speak and listen to what they are saying.
5. Listen to Understand Don’t Listen to Respond
We are all guilty of this, especially when we want to get our point across. We spent about 5 years of our marriage just arguing over responses that were misunderstood. It takes effort to “actively listen” to your partner and understand their point of view and not sit on edge until they are finish speaking just to offer a rebuttal. This use to be a very sore topic for Omar and I, especially with our opinionated nature
6. Communicate your Expectations Clearly
Unfulfilled expectations can be a real marriage and self esteem killer, especially if those expectations are outside the nature of your partner. You are both different people and as such your likes and dislikes may vary. I have learnt to be very clear in communicating to Omar what I want and how I want it to be done, in a language that he undestands, as such the level of misunderstanding will diminish. This goes from communication about sex to even driving me to the store.
7. He/She is who He/She is
The man you met in the store, is the same person you dated, is the same person you had children with, is the same person you married. Meaning, do not attempt to change each other, its either you love each other for each others quirks, differences, annoying nose picking or you don’t. If you don’t communicate clearly what your issue is and LISTEN to what they have to say to understand the issue then come to a middle ground that is comfortable to each other. In a perfect scenario your partner will just eliminate that issue for you by stop doing it. Do think of it as a victory, think of it as a situation where your partner loves and cares about you enough to make you comfortable. In retrospect, say they don’t change the situation, understand that that is their choice and you have to love them for listening to your issue the first place. Sounds hard but it works.
8. Our relationship with each other is more Important that our Relationship with our Kids
For a lot of couple and for my partner it took him awhile to understand where I was coming from with this. Your kids are growing and they will have their own lives and leave you and your partner in the home alone. What will happen to your relationship when they are gone? Building a loving relationship with one on one time for each other, at least once a week, will go along way to ensuring you keep that love alive. I have found that a dating bowl helps us to go out on a date at least once are twice per month. ONE on ONE time is crucial to understanding that you both have grown and aren’t the same persons as when you were dating. It’s a major help to be curious about each other, asking the right questions to ensure you still know where your partner stands.
9. Dreaming together is a Necessity
With both our own individual goals for our careers, relationship and the kids being different at times, It helps to just make a date night out of dreaming together and just sit under the stars and tell each other where we want to be and how we plan on getting there. We share these things with each other first before we share it with anyone so we can be each others cheerleaders from the beginning.
10. Bad Times Don’t Mean Quit Time
We have been through a lot…. a lot… a lot of drama. Some were major issues that would break apart the healthiest of marriages. How did we get through it? With support, communication, prayer and commitment to a common goal. We have faced the prospect of divorce and even lived apart for a time, however I believe that everything in life, that involves people, is negotiable; there is a middle ground there just needs to be two people who are committed to finding that middle ground. In rough times we had to be able to open up and be vulnerable and communicate clearly what is going on. Honesty is the best policy, however there needs to be empathy and compassion and lack of judgment when someone opens their soul in attempt to fix a relationship problem
11. Let Go and Let God
I never understood what that meant until I had an issue in my marriage that I couldn’t seem to get over. Sometimes you just have to forgive and let go. Every topic is arguable but not all arguments must lead to a battle. Forgiveness is hard to establish but remember your major goal. Even with Omar and I we have found that there are things we have done to each other that is unforgivable but are they really that unforgivable or is it that we just cant let go over our own self doubts. This is hard but it will make ever difference in the world.